Debunking Relationship Readiness

You know what you want and now you’re ready to get out there and get swept off your feet by Mr. or Ms. Right... right? Seems easy enough, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, not all relationships come as easily as the storybooks tell us they will.

So, what happens if your expectations aren’t meeting your reality?

It’s natural to assume it’s the other person not being ready. You believe you are ready, so the issue must lie with them. Our Dating and Relationship Coaches hear it all the time, “I was ready, but they don’t seem to be.” The belief is something is holding them back - they are stuck on their ex, they just want to have fun, they are busy...there are so many stories that we can tell ourselves, giving us sophisticated excuses why they aren’t serious about dating or a relationship.

In reality, you are making assumptions based on what you see without knowing what they are thinking or doing, and already counting them out. Expectations of what happens next and in what time frame differ from person to person. Coming to an assumption that another person is not relationship ready isn’t the answer. The only certainty you possess is that of your own relationship readiness.

In efforts to understand and guide our clients, our Dating Coach, Jolene Beaton, dug deeper with a Single’s Survey gauging just how ready singles are to find their special someone. She found it inspiring that out of all the singles surveyed,100% said they were ready and wanting to be in a committed relationship.

Based on the response, readiness isn’t the issue. What Jolene continually hears is the assumption that the other person isn’t ready for a relationship. The assumption being based on what shows up on the date and is interpreted by you. After the date, you reflect, assess and attempt to connect the dots based on your belief of what ready looks like - not their actual belief. Basically you are determining their readiness for them. So now that the true issue is clear, it’s time to debunk some common myths about relationship readiness.

Myth #1: Saying, “The people I am meeting aren’t ready for a relationship”

Let’s start by tackling the overall assumption that the people you are meeting are not ready for a relationship. This clearly showed up in our survey as not true - singles are ready. If you believe that no one is ready for a relationship except you, and go on dates believing this, it will put you in the wrong mindset for meeting new people.

So how do you pivot your mindset?

When meeting someone new, you want to look at every date like a new opportunity. Think to yourself, “this person showed because they want to be here, they’re ready and interested in getting to know me, they want to find a partner too.”

The simple fact is that they are putting themselves out there. Single people are doing the work, but where the disconnect is, is that no one is fully healed and fully “ready” for every expectation you may hold for them. Putting things into perspective, T.D. Jakes states “We often expect others to be a finished product while we allow ourselves the grace to evolve.” This is true in dating and relationships. The takeaway - give your date a little grace to be human, as you hope they would do the same for you.

Myth #2: Saying, “They’re talking about their ex, they must not be over them”

UGH!-- the dreaded ex conversation. It’s bound to happen, whether it came up on a first date, or soon after, this conversation doesn’t mean they’re not ready for a relationship. People just have different comfortability levels with disclosure.

The survey showed that everyone, in some capacity, talks about their past relationships. It isn’t necessarily something they feel a strong need to do. But from what we have seen, it seems to be more a part of the dating culture, not an indicator of if they are over their ex or not. Also, when getting to know someone, you will talk about things that are relevant in their lives, stressors included.

Out of all life stressors indicated on the survey, the number one was betrayal. Now betrayal can come in many forms, but the important thing to note is that it could shape the way you look at relationships in the future.

So if the betrayal comes from an ex, it’s important to have a conversation within your new relationship. Build a foundation of healthy communication and trust so that you won’t be led on by your expectations or let down by someone else. The takeaway - every new relationship deserves the chance to have a fresh start; not being burdened by what showed up in the past with different players.

Myth #3: Saying “They said they are “just looking for fun”, so they don’t want a serious relationship”

Just because they say they are looking for fun, doesn’t mean they are not looking for a relationship. It may just mean that their driving force in a relationship is fun. So take a step back, there is no need to create pressure in the beginning by having to define or label the relationship. The point of dating is to see if you enjoy being with someone enough to continue getting to know each other. This is what mature dating looks like. People are at different stages in their lives and may have different decision making processes from you. There is no need to add any extra pressure for anyone.

An understanding of the importance of having fun together is really a good place to start. Think about it, without enjoying each other is there a reason to continue? Also, keeping things casual while getting to know each other may feel safer for some. The takeaway - fun comes first and when it’s right, a relationship has the potential to develop.

--

Clearly there is no perfect road map to dating. No one can tell you exactly how ready someone is to date, except for themselves. Looking through a different lens based on what is truly showing up can be used to help create a dating experience where the insight will shape a dialogue to get you closer to what you want. Let the storybooks tell the stories and turn these myths into tools that help you shift your outlook to pursue a happy and healthy relationship.