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I am sure you have heard the phrase "communication is key". This can translate to honesty in dating. Most singles are curious as to how to best navigate casual dating relationships. A CDR can be defined as the time between your first date and the time that both partners agree to an exclusive relationship. This can take weeks, months, or sometimes even years.
On a daily basis I am asked how to proceed with these situations, and what I think the person they are seeing feels based on these dates, and texts. I cannot interpret how another human being feels. So my answer is always the same: "Tell them what you just told me".
And then comes the "a ha moment". "What? You mean actually tell another human being how I am truly feeling? But isn't more effective to call my dating coach or ask my friends what their opinion is?"
Communication is where everything seems to fail, no matter what stage the relationship is at. Here are two examples:
Example A:
Client: "Jolene, we went on a second date. It was great but I realized he is exactly like me, and at this point in my life I am not interested in dating someone who is like me. It is uncomfortable for me. I sensed that he could tell this on the date and he sent me an email that was way too intense. He apologized and told me he hopes it didn't ruin a third date. Do I respond? What do I say?"
Me: "Tell him exactly what you just told me"
Client: "Really? He is so nice and I don't want to hurt him"
Me: "The only person you are afraid of hurting is you. Now tell him the truth and open up a dialogue about your concerns. One of two things will happen. A. You part ways as friends due to a respectful closure or, B. You are able to understand him on a deeper level and you decide to go on a third date"
Client: "OK, I'll do it. Thanks!!"
Example B:
Client: "Jolene, we have been on 7 dates. He always wants to get together but I can't tell if he wants something romantic or not. Do I tell him how I feel? What if he just ghosts me because he thinks I am putting to much pressure on him?"
Me: "Tell him exactly what you told me."
Client: "Really? But......"
Me: "One of two things will happen. A. You part ways as friends due to a respectful closure or, B. You are able to understand him on a deeper level and you decide to begin a romantic relationship."
Client: "OK, I'm going to do it."
You may have heard about The 36 questions that lead to love. You can find them here: 36 Questions. This is a study conducted by Arthur Aron showing that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. Now of course not many people date with this type of openness, but it stands to reason that if one did they would have everything to gain.
Giving someone a feeling of resolution or even just understanding to an emotional experience is the kindest thing you can do. This type of communication, whether it be on a first date or after a year of dating, takes courage but I promise you it is freeing to both parties.